Personal Development Vs. Self-Acceptance

I firmly believe that to strive for personal development or personal growth is a fundamental aspect of human nature. We might not reach an agreement about what a “better” human being actually is, but at some point of our lives we all strive to become a better version of ourselves. Even when, for any reason, we give up on our search for personal growth, the desire of improvement will always remain within us.

What about self-acceptance, then? Aren’t we taught from an early age that we should accept ourselves as we are? Flaws and limitations included. How can we make peace with all faults if we spend our lives striving to be the best version of ourselves?

At first it sounds like a dead end road. We are naturally inclined to become better and to strive for personal development and self-improvement, but we are also taught that we should accept ourselves as we are and we should learn to live with our shortcomings without feeling inadequate.

As long as we think about personal development or self-growth and self-acceptance this way, we will never find a satisfying solution. This is simply because we are asking the wrong question, and as long as we keep asking wrong questions, we will keep getting the wrong answers.

What’s the right question, then?

 

Personal Development Vs. Self-Acceptance

The solution most people find to this problem is simply to compromise one thing over the other. They make up their mind about which of the two options -to strive for personal development or to accept themselves- seems to be the most positive one, and they fully commit to pursue it. Then they endure the negative effects of neglecting the other side of the coin.

People who chose to strive for personal development and ignore self-acceptance tend to feel unfulfilled not matter what they do. No matter how many positive relationships they cultivate, how many positive habits they acquire or how impressive their career development might seems, it will never be enough because they know they could always be better.

On the other hand, those who rely completely on self-acceptance and forsake personal development, tend to achieve mediocre results in many areas of their lives. This requires a bigger amount of self-acceptance and it quickly becomes a negative loop.

By thinking about personal development and self-improvement and self-acceptances this way, we are asking ourselves: Do I want to be an achiever or do I want to be at peace with myself?
This seems a lose-lose situation when we think about it in terms of opposites. No matter what we chose, we will lose something either way.

We simply need to acknowledge that we are asking the wrong question from the wrong mindset and soon we can come up with the right answer.

When we strive for personal development without accepting ourselves, we commonly put it in the following manner: What or how should I change in order to become a better human being?

The above question implies that we have to choose between personal development and self-acceptance. And it seems natural that we have to choose one and only one of both options if we think about them as opposites. After all, a wall cannot be completely black and completely white at the same time.

 

Personal Development [The Right Way]

To improve requires a choice. Even when is a natural impulse, to truly become a better human being in a significant way, we must choose to do so. It requires commitment and courage. In the same way, self-acceptance requires a conscious choice from our part. We will hardly get to truly accept our flaws without an introspective journey.

What we often fail to understand is that both choices are closely related and linked in many cases, so much that sometimes we make both at the same time and that’s the key to real improvement and stable inner peace.

Self-acceptance is not opposite to self-improvement, but a fundamental part of it.

Committing to personal development doesn’t mean that we must strive to wipe out every single weakness we have identified in ourselves. On the contrary, when we are truly committed to improving as human beings, acceptance is a necessary first step. Only after we have completely accepted ourselves with our flaws and shortcomings, we can come up with a personal development plan.

If we get into with personal development without accepting ourselves, we are set for a never-ending race

 

[Real] Self-acceptance

On the other hand, self-acceptance doesn’t mean that we should give up and surrender ourselves to our flaws. Self-acceptance is about understanding that our flaws can be a part of our personality without defining us. Self-acceptance is being happy with ourselves despite the presence of unwanted characteristics.

Trying to commit to personal development without our fair share of self-acceptance is like going to the gym for the first time in order to build muscle without accepting our limitations.

Without self-acceptance, we would try to lift the 300 lbs. plate on our first day, because that’s what we are aiming to achieve. Of course, the result of doing so would be a very serious injury. If we accept our limitations, we would start by lifting a small plate and would build up from there, step by step.

 

You Can Have It All

Accepting ourselves doesn’t mean that we won’t even try to improve because of our limitations; but that we will try taking into account those limitations and will use such limitations as a starting point in order to set a course of action that will help us become a better human being.

Only when we land into a place of self-acceptance, we can ask: How do I want to improve myself in order to become a better human being?

[box]Note that I used the word “improve” instead of the commonly used “change”. In my opinion, “change” implies the fact that there’s something wrong, that there’s something that must be modified. While “improve” implies that there’s something that can be better, which doesn’t necessarily means is bad or wrong in its present state. And used the word “want” instead of “should”, as “want” implies to improve is a personal choice, borne out of a desire, and “should” implies it is a requirement or a mandate.[/box]

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